El Mac 9/El Mac 9.iso/Shareware/Communications & Networking/QuoteMonger 1.0.1/Quotes

Text File | 1995-08-21 | 16.2 KB | 478 lines | [TEXT/MACA]

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers."
-William Shakespeare
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"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things
  they make it easier to do don't need to be done."
-Andy Rooney
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"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me then a frontal lobotomy."
-Scott Watson
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"That's not a bug, its a Feature!"
-Unknown Programmer
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"Anyone observant enough to guess your age correctly will annoy you in other
  ways too."
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"When your ship finally comes it, most of your relatives will be waiting at
  the dock."
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"It's a hard job to do nothing well."
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"Haves & have nots are the second stage. The first stage is dids and did nots."
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"All kinds of social graces are useful, but one of the best is the ability to
  yawn with your mouth closed."
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"No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck."
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"Shadows prove that the sun is shining."
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"The only people who have to wait are the ones that are on time."
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"Insure a better tomorrow -- procrastinate."
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"To err is human, but when you wear out the eraser before the pencil, you're
  overdoing it."
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"If someone offers the world to you on a silver platter - take the platter."
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"The quickest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
  replacement."
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"Wrinkles should mearly show where the smiles have been."
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"Simple Tax Form:
  LINE 1: What did you make this year?
  LINE 2: Send it in."
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"Have a happy day - what else can you get for free?"
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Knowledge is like money - if you keep quiet about it, people will think you've
  got more then you have."
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"The brook would lost its song if we removed the rocks."
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"Blowing out the other fellows candle won't make your shine and brighter."
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"If children did not ask questions, they would never learn how little adults
  know."
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"A specialist is a doctor whose patients can only be ill during his office
  hours."
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"If you think you know the value of money, go try to borrow some."
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"Remember, we pass this way once - unless your spouse is reading the road map."
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"It's said that lightning never strikes twice in the same place -- unless of
  course, you let your insurance lapse."
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"We all know what a warrenty means - that whatever happens isn't covered."
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"An ideal husband is one who treats his wife like a new car."
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"Avoid that run down feeling - cross the streets carefully."
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"The optimist is as often wrong as the pessimist, but he is far happier."
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"To boldy go where no man has gone before..."
-Dedicated to Gene Roddenberry, he went where no man has gone before...
  1921-1991
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"Recycle, good planets are hard to find."
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"If it won't budge, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway."
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"The wise man can eat no more with four chopsticks then with two."
 - Proverb
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"Sometimes, truth is the best compliment"
 - Rolfe Gordon
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"Type [B] at the main menu for special bulletins and text files!"
 - SYSOP
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"The wind crumbles rock, because the rock can only crumble; the wind
  can change."
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"Some programmers insist on using flow charts... I'm not a believer in this,
  after all, cavemen drew flowcharts -- look what it got them."
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"No matter how much you test it and are sure you have it right, someone
  will come in a find something wrong with it."
 - Steve Major, SYSOP
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"There are two kinds of people who don't say much - those who are quiet
  and those who talk a lot."
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"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due."
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"What is considered a living wage depends on whether you pay it or get it."
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"Cheer Up - Things are darkest just before they turn completely black."
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"If you can't be right - be wrong at the top of your voice."
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"What this country needs is a vegeterian mosquito."
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"There is nothing wrong with a good political joke - unless it gets elected."
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"A bare toe is a device for finding a chair in the dark."
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"Household hint: drak wool suits and skirts are ideal for removing dog and
  cat hair from furniture."
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"An optimist is a fellow who believes that whatever happens, no matter how
  bad, it is for the best. The pessimist is the fellow is to whom it
  happened."
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"Not too long ago a dime was a kids weekly allowence - now it's used as an
  emergency screwdriver."
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"Conscience is the inner voice that tells us someone is watching."
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"The government and a blood back have one thing in common; they're both
  after the same thing."
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"If you think your boss never laughs, ask him for a raise."
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"Ask not for whom the telephone bell ringeth. If thou art in the tub, it
  ringeth for thee."
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"If all the people who sleep in church were laid end to end, they'd be
  more comfortable."
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"Any husband can have the last word - provided he hangs up fast."
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"A Go-Getter is someone who gets in behind you in a revolving door and
  comes out ahead of you."
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"There's lots of free cheese in mousetraps, but you don't find any happy
  mice there."
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"The greatest oak was once a little nut that held its ground."
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"How did the fool and his money ever get together in the first place?"
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"Admire the trees - when they start losing their leaves, they never try to
  compensate by growing a beard."
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"The things that used to bring disgrace to a family now bring book and
  movie contracts."
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"It's the little things that bother us: we can dodge an elephant, but not
  a fly."
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"The optimist invented the airplane and the pessimist the parachute."
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"A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult."
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"It's called take home pay because there's no other place you can afford
  to go with it."
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"If a nine-year-old can find a dope pusher, why can't the FBI?"
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"Let's hope they never find life on Mars, think of what it will cost us
  in foreign aid."
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"If you're looking for a way to beat income tax, quit your job."
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"Did you ever stop to think that wrong numbers are never busy?"
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"Vacation time is when the highway departments close all the regular
  roads and open all the detours."
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"War does not determine who is right - only who is left."
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"A woman president wouldn't spend billions for atomic weapons and stuff.
  She'd shop around until she found them on sale."
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"Walking isn't a lost art - one must, by some means, get to the garage."
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"People will buy anything that's one to a customer."
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"A synonym is the word you use when you can't spell the other one."
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"A pedestrian is a man with a son in high school and only one can in
  the family."
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"He who can lead and not follow, at least makes a dandy road block."
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"If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, you can bet
  the water bill is higher too."
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"If at first you don't succeed you still have two choices: try again or
  better yet, read the instructions."
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"Conscience dosen't keep you from doing anything; it just keeps you from
  enjoying it."
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"There is hope in honest error -- none in the icy perfection of the stylist."
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"It never ceases to amaze me how any female can avoid an answer to a direct
  question."
 -Spock, Star Trek TV Series
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"A wise man never play leap frog with unicorn."
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"Body oder is the key to the soul."
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"He's dead JIm ... I'll take his tricorder and you search his pockets."
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"A simple philosophy: fill whats empty, empty whats filled, scratch where it
   itches"
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"Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn"
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"No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right."
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"Don't worry if it dosen't work right, if it did you'd be out of a job."
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"If your given an open book test, you'll forget your book. If you given a take
   home test, you'll forget where you live."
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"It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats."
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"Be wary of a strong drink. It can make you shoot at Tax Collectors and miss."
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"God made the idiot for practice, then he made the school board."
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"Duck tape is like The Force, it has a light side and a dark side, and holds
   the universe together."
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"There are no answers, only cross references."
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"If you don't care where you are, then your not lost."
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"Drive defensivly, buy a tank."
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"A committe is a life form with six or more legs, and no brain."
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"Friends don't let friends use DOS."
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"If its stuck, force it, if if breaks, it needed replacing anyway."
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"Please Captain, not in front of the Klingons."
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"Don't force it, get a larger hammer."
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"Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomogy: There's always one more bug."
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"If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the
   first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization."
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"Pro is to Con as progress is to Congress."
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"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer."
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"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
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"The first myth of management is that it exists."
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"No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind."
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"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone."
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"Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with cost hangers so that the pens
   will multiply instead of dissappear."
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"If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?"
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"Those who can't write, write manuals."
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"You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You aren't paid enough to worry."
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"Never trust a computer bigger then you can lift."
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"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
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"Important letter which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
   Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the boss is reading
   it."
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"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
   account be allowed to do the job."
     -The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
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"In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going
   on --- This person must be fired."
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"The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda
can which, when discarded, will last forever....and a $15,000 car which, when
properly cared for will rust out in two or three years."
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"FEATURE n. A suprising property of a computer program. A bug can be changed
   to a feature by documenting it."
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"The law of Frisbee:
   The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land
   under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed 'car
   suck')."
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"How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."
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"People usually get what's coming to them .... unless it's been mailed."
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"How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
   None: 'we'll fix it in software'."
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"PROGRAM:
   n. A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into
      error messages.
   tr.v. To engage in a pastime sililar to banging one's head against the wall,
      but with fewer opportunities for reward."
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... our point, quite simply, is that there is no personal computer that people
enjoy working with more. Or that inspires such an unmistakable sence of
satisfaction. Or that leaves them with such a feeling of accomplishment. And
yet, someday there surely will be. Someday there will be a computer that gives
you even more choice in what you can do-that does things as personally as you'd
expect it to.
   A computer that handles video and animations as deftly as it does words
and pictures.
   A computer that's smart enough to not only respond to your needs, but to
anticipate them.
   And when that day comes, that computer will undoubtedly greet you in the
same familiar way every time you switch it on:
   "Welcome to Macintosh."
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"I'm pink, therefore I'm spam."
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The history of every Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct
& recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry & Sophistication, otherwise
known as the How, Why, and Where phases.
For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat"
the second by the question "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we
have lunch?"

-The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
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"Reality is God's dream"

-W. Strieber, "Intruders"
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Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.
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Imbesil's Law: In orer for something to become clean, something else must
become dirty.

Freeman's Extension: .... but you can get everything dirty without getting
anything clean.
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Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you
would expect to find it.
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Maryann's Law: You can always find what your not looking for.
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The Cardinal Conundrum: An optimist believes we live in the best of all
possible worlds.  A pessimist fears this is true.
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Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.
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Witten's Law: Whenever you cut your finger nails you will find a need for them
an hour later.
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The Law of the Letter: The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal
the letter.
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Stewarts Law: It is easier to get forgiveness then permission.
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Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
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Beryl's Law: The 'Comsumer Report' on the item will come out a week after
you've made your purchase.

Corallaries: The one you bought will be rated 'unacceptable' -OR- The one
you almost bought will be rated 'best buy'.
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Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
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First Law of Travel: It always takes longer to get there then to get back.
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Devries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on a typewriter, the one you don't
want hits the paper.
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Theory of Selective Supervision: The one time in the day that you lean back
and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office.
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Matz's Maxim: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
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Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man - he will
find an easier way to do it.
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Laws of Class Scheduling:
1. If the course you wanted most has the room for 'n' students, you will be
the 'n + 1' to apply.
2. Class schedules are designed so every student will waste the maximum time
between classes.
3. A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the
semester following the desired course.
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Seit's Law: The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered
during your last semester.
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Six Principles for Patients:
1. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition dosen't mean he
knows what it is.
2. The more boring and out of date the magazines in the waiting room, the
longer you will have to wait for your scheduled appiontment.
3. Only adults have difficulty with child proof bottles.
4. You never have the right number of pills left on the last day of the
prescription.
5. The pills to be taken with meals will be the least appetizing ones.
6. If you condition is getting better its probably because your doctor is
getting sick.
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Moser's Law: Exciting plays occur while you are watching the scoreboard or
out buying a hot dog.
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Hadley's Laws of Clothing Shopping:
1. If you like it, they don't have it is you size.
2. If you like it and it's in your size, it dosen't fit anyway.
3. If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it.
4. If you like it, it fits, and you can afford it, it falls apart the first
time you wear it.
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Law of Life's Highway: If everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
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Shedenhlem's Law: All the trails have more uphill sections then they have
downhill sections.
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Sinteto's First Law: A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will
self-destruct on the 61st day.
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Hamilton's Rule for Cleaning Glassware: The spot your scrubbing is always on
the other side.
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Witzling's Law:
1. Any child who chatters nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a
word when requested to demonstrate for an audience.
2. Any shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public area to loudly
demonstrate a newly aquired vocabulary (damn, penis, etc.)
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Balance's Law: How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom
door you're on.
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Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it
again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
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Kovacs' Conundrum: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
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Arthur's Laws of Love:
1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of
someone else.
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in
the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
3. Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. Your own seem
foolish and clumsy.
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Bedfellow's Rule: The one who snores will fall asleep first.
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Ruby's Principle: The probability of meeting someone you know increases
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
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Remember Intel's new Pentium logo, "Intel Inside.... Just Don't Divide."
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